It was an elderly female judge in a black rope, urbane and benign, and she went:

“……The contract of marriage is most solemn and is not to be entered into lightly, but thoughtfully and seriously with a deep realization of its obligations and responsibilities.

……….no other words of mine or any other person truly marry each of you to the other. That is done when you exchange your promises and commit yourselves to this marriage and each other.

By entering into this marriage, you are pledging yourselves to a lifetime in which each will enrich the life of the other. You will be partners standing together to cushion the difficulties of life. Rejoice in your partner’s graces. Nurture your marriage carefully and watch it grow gracefully.

…….To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish as long as you both shall live?

……You have joined yourselves in solemn matrimony. May you strive all your lives to meet this commitment with the same love and devotion that you now feel. For love is truly the greatest gift we are given to share: love’s compassion is the glory of life. Delight in each other’s company and never take the other for granted, for you are destined to enjoy the blending of your two lives.”

And like this, a marriage was made.

The word for “marriage” in Chinese is “婚姻”.

“婚” originally means the woman’s family, and “姻” the man’s family. So marriage, in the Chinese sense from ancient times till this day still, means the uniting of the two families rather than the two individuals.

And it’s two very different things for the two families. The woman’s family loses a daughter while the man’s family gains one: for traditionally the bride goes to live with the man in the man’s family. There are even two different words for “marry” for the bride and the groom. The bride “嫁”: that she leaves her birth home and goes to the man’s which would be her new home hence. The groom “娶”: that he fetches a woman to his home to be his wife.

“结婚” is the word for “to get married”. “结”, with the silk radical on the left, means to “tie the knot”, and “婚”, the woman’s family.

Is it good to throw off traditions then? Or do these traditions and customs define who we are and where we come from? Modern China certainly is a strange country. Mao was one to smash feudalism, old values and old traditions. Yet after him, and maybe because of him, nation and family become ever so dominating that there is hardly any space for the “individual”.

Then oughtn’t our past, our tradition free us instead of constrain us? And isn’t “the human”, “the individual’s” responsibility to use everything to strength themselves? That they utilize everything to the end of their strength and happiness?

It’s a more complex matter than could be sorted out neat and clear. Luckily we could have a hundred and more ideas of ourselves, didn’t that eight-year-old little girl, with her blond hair and hazel eyes and children’s smile and children’s sensitiviy, say that she is a little bit Chinese because her uncle lives in China?

And if you personify the city San Francisco, you could say that she is so many things, and she has gone through an awful lot, then precisely because of these, she gains her strength and acquires her charm.

So so in my red dress I listened solemnly to the woman judge’s words: “to have and to hold from this day forward……..love is truly the greatest gift we are given to share……”, a line from an ancient Chinese poem came to my mind: “执子之手，与子偕老”. And, perhaps a little naively, I believe that love made this marriage and millions and millions more and that to tie that knot is to say, with all the seriousness and solemnity love demands, to the person in front of you: I love you everyday, oh everyday and more.