Tag: chinese culture

Marriage

Published on by Zhi-Juan Guo

It was an elderly female judge in a black rope, urbane and benign, and she went:

“……The contract of marriage is most solemn and is not to be entered into lightly, but thoughtfully and seriously with a deep realization of its obligations and responsibilities.

……….no other words of mine or any other person truly marry each of you to the other. That is done when you exchange your promises and commit yourselves to this marriage and each other.

By entering into this marriage, you are pledging yourselves to a lifetime in which each will enrich the life of the other. You will be partners standing together to cushion the difficulties of life. Rejoice in your partner’s graces. Nurture your marriage carefully and watch it grow gracefully.

…….To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish as long as you both shall live?

……You have joined yourselves in solemn matrimony. May you strive all your lives to meet this commitment with the same love and devotion that you now feel. For love is truly the greatest gift we are given to share: love’s compassion is the glory of life. Delight in each other’s company and never take the other for granted, for you are destined to enjoy the blending of your two lives.”

And like this, a marriage was made.

The word for “marriage” in Chinese is “婚姻”.

“婚” originally means the woman’s family, and “姻” the man’s family. So marriage, in the Chinese sense from ancient times till this day still, means the uniting of the two families rather than the two individuals.

And it’s two very different things for the two families. The woman’s family loses a daughter while the man’s family gains one: for traditionally the bride goes to live with the man in the man’s family. There are even two different words for “marry” for the bride and the groom. The bride “嫁”: that she leaves her birth home and goes to the man’s which would be her new home hence. The groom “娶”: that he fetches a woman to his home to be his wife.

“结婚” is the word for “to get married”. “结”, with the silk radical on the left, means to “tie the knot”, and “婚”, the woman’s family.

Is it good to throw off traditions then? Or do these traditions and customs define who we are and where we come from? Modern China certainly is a strange country. Mao was one to smash feudalism, old values and old traditions. Yet after him, and maybe because of him, nation and family become ever so dominating that there is hardly any space for the “individual”.

Then oughtn’t our past, our tradition free us instead of constrain us? And isn’t “the human”, “the individual’s” responsibility to use everything to strength themselves? That they utilize everything to the end of their strength and happiness?

It’s a more complex matter than could be sorted out neat and clear. Luckily we could have a hundred and more ideas of ourselves, didn’t that eight-year-old little girl, with her blond hair and hazel eyes and children’s smile and children’s sensitiviy, say that she is a little bit Chinese because her uncle lives in China?

And if you personify the city San Francisco, you could say that she is so many things, and she has gone through an awful lot, then precisely because of these, she gains her strength and acquires her charm.

So so in my red dress I listened solemnly to the woman judge’s words: “to have and to hold from this day forward……..love is truly the greatest gift we are given to share……”, a line from an ancient Chinese poem came to my mind: “执子之手，与子偕老”. And, perhaps a little naively, I believe that love made this marriage and millions and millions more and that to tie that knot is to say, with all the seriousness and solemnity love demands, to the person in front of you: I love you everyday, oh everyday and more.

I Am Sorry!

Published on by Zhi-Juan Guo

–So what do you mean when you say you are sorry?

Confucius to Chinese is very much like Christianity to Westerners: It has been there and it has been there for a while. And even you have not read the book of its creeds. It’s so prevalent in culture, in language and in everyday life that you could not pick up a book that has not dyed by its color in one way or another. It’s in the air you breathe. It’s in the words you speak. It’s in your mind in the way you think.

One big concept of Confucius is that everyone has its place in a family: a father has a father’s place and a son a son’s; a husband has his place and a wife hers.

Confucius expressed it so well that everyone knows his duty and right and what to do in his place.

He looks at the family and puts everyone in its proper place. Then he looks at the nation and tells everyone too has his right place in a nation.

That’s one of the reasons that a feudal government has been able to thrive and exist in China for so long and be so successful, and in the end, indeed, it died hard and left China in a desolate situation.

For if each one knows his place and no one steps over the borderline, there is no fear of rebellion or riots.

The control starts from the very beginning. A Chinese man, sadly, is never a free man. From the moment he was born, he is a son and supposed to take up a son’s duty. And all the sons in China, even today, not many could step out of that heavy duty to be a son but at the same time his own person.

So first thing first, in a Chinese society, is to know your place.

But what does it have to do with the topic you bring up today? I hear you say.

Well. It has everything to do with it. “Sorry” in Chinese is “对不起 dui4buqi3.”

Which if literally translated means: to face(you) I will not rise; I bow to you; I put myself lower to you; I feel ashamed.

If the English word “sorry” means “sorrow”, it means that I feel what you feel, and I feel your sorrow.

The Chinese man when he says “I am sorry”, he means ” I put myself lower than you. I am ashamed. It’s my fault. I have done something wrong.”

So now would you imagine a funeral scene? The Western guy says to the Chinese man who has lost a family member: “I am sorry.”

And what would the Chinese man say?

Would he say what I have said so many times to the westerners who would say–with a sympathizing tone–“I am sorry” when I told about some mishaps in my life?

“But it’s not your fault!”